Angela Finn | Sydney

How love feels

Doing things differently

Eight years ago, when I became a marriage celebrant, I had no idea what 2020 would be like.

The Coronavirus, the Black Lives Matter movement, climate change, plus the Me Too movement have opened my eyes to how much inequality and stress there is in the world I live in.

Much of it is needless and counterproductive. Unfair too. Perpetuated by the dominant culture as the ‘right or only way’ to do things.

Weddings fall into this dominant culture.

Marriage ceremonies – by and large – follow a relatively typical structure and format that fits nicely into what a wedding should look like.

Societal expectations, as well as ‘traditions’ and etiquette perpetuated by consumerism – affect the design.

Well, it’s time to challenge the status quo, break out of the confines of what a wedding day should look like, and instead create something different.

Doing things differently is an attitude of possibility. It encourages curiosity, learning, creativity, empathy, diversity, generousity, and confidence.

I’m offering a ‘different way to get married’ for couples who want to deviate from typical wedding traditions and infuse equality and creativity into their marriage ceremony.

It’s called an ‘alt marriage ceremony’

It might stand for an alternative approach to getting married. But what it truly stands for is taking responsibility for the decisions you make.

It’s questioning why, sitting with discomfort, embracing change.

It’s standing up for equality, diversity, and making a difference.

If you want a ceremony that reflects what matters most to you and takes your relationship to a whole new level, contact me to kick it up a notch.

Rethinking the celebrant registration process

Sunday 30 September 2018 was a memorable wedding. It was a perfect afternoon on the foreshore of Sydney Harbour at Vaucluse. The ceremony was beautiful – an honest reflection and celebration of the couple, their family and friends. The newlyweds sparkled as bright as the sun glistened on the harbour. Everyone was high on happiness.

I packed my paperwork into my bag, collapsed the tripod, hoisted the PA bag over my shoulder and farewelled the couple. As I walked to my car, a wave of sadness descended. This was my final wedding after six wonderful years working as a civil marriage celebrant.

Three days later, I was no longer deemed ‘a fit and proper person’ suitable to solemnise marriages. I was deregistered as a Commonwealth-marriage celebrant. My crime? I forgot to pay the annual marriage celebrant registration charge by the final payment date required.

Now, before you shout “surely, a celebrant can be organised enough to pay the annual celebrant registration charge invoice within 60 days?” I certainly had been since the introduction of the charge in 2014.

But inconceivable as it might seem, I forgot in 2018. An immediate family member had died, and another was in the hospital. I did not check my secondary email account where the notice was sent until ten days past the due payment date. The SMS text reminder never arrived. I was too late.

If the marriage celebrant registration invoice remains unpaid after 60 days from the date of issue (the legislated ‘charge payment day’), under section 39FB of the Marriage Act 1961, the celebrant must be deregistered. There is no discretion even when circumstances like a sudden illness, a death in the family or even a domestic violence situation affects the timing of the payment.

Quite naturally, we all tend to sit by passively and accept laws without much thought or consideration given to their implications unless personally affected. But seemingly well-intentioned laws can backfire, expose absurd processes, and unjust outcomes.

One day I met all the requirements to practise as a Commonwealth-registered marriage celebrant, and the next I did not.

To re-register, I had to wait several months (after I completed the red tape, obtained three referee reports and paid the $600 application fee plus $40 for a police history check) to satisfy the requirements, and ‘once again’ practise as a Commonwealth registered marriage celebrant.

The re-registration process is even more absurd and costly for marriage celebrants with over 10 years’ experience. They are required to retrain if they don’t have the current training requirements of a Cert IV in Celebrancy or an equivalent tertiary qualification. It’s not surprising therefore when a celebrant with 20 years’ experience and well over a thousand marriage ceremonies under her belt, decided that to register ‘again’ was a complete waste of time, effort and money.

The current processes and law illustrate the defects in the legislation and the serious implications of mandatory deregistration.

2018 – the same year I was deregistered – saw the highest number of celebrants deregistered since the introduction of the cost-recovery charge. It’s highly likely the massive jump from 170 celebrants deregistered in 2017 to 370 in 2018 can be attributed to the omission of an SMS text reminder to celebrants from the Marriage Law and Celebrants Section (MLCS), as in previous years.

The reason the text message was not sent in 2018 was that the part of the department that had that capacity was moved in a Machinery of Government change.

Thankfully, this year, the MLCS is using a provider for the text reminders to help prevent celebrants from missing the payment date and deregistration. But that doesn’t help me. It is also disappointing that the MLCS does not obtain data from deregistered celebrants to determine their reason for non-payment, as this type of information would be useful to improve processes.

Losing my job and informing the couples who booked me to officiate their marriage that it was no longer possible, was gut-wrenching. The couples were forced to find a new celebrant – some within a very short time frame – which caused distress and inconvenience.

The couples chose me because of my personality, service, and reputation to create and deliver a marriage ceremony for one of the most important days in their life. My business reputation was now damaged. Plus, I lost $4,200 income from cancelled weddings which was a significant cost to me and my family.

Being deregistered is one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage celebrant, so I kept my status close. I only told a few couples and celebrants who I felt would understand and not judge. To the others, I simply provided vague responses when asked why I had to cancel the weddings.

From what I’ve gathered, when the annual registration charge and the penalty of deregistration for non-payment were proposed, there was some support from some Celebrant Associations, but strong opposition from most associations.

The charge is a cost recovery levy, rather than a fee. It is imposed on 28% of marriage celebrants in Australia – which is another reason why deregistration for the non-payment of the charge is grossly unfair.

But, before we expend energy and precious time pointing blame and citing obstacles, let’s instead focus on what needs to be done.

The Commonwealth government has the potential to collect 2.2 million dollars from the payment of the 2019 – 2020 annual celebrant registration charge imposed on 9,125 Commonwealth-registered marriage celebrants for the cost of running the Marriage Celebrants Program.

Given this situation, what possibilities can you suggest to improve the efficiency of the marriage celebrant registration charge process? And – while you are at it – improve the celebrant training course and how to effectively disseminate information to celebrants. I have a few ideas, but for now…

Here’s a proposal for the marriage registration charge process

The period to renew a marriage celebrant registration is from 1 July to 31 August every two years. After August 31, there is a grace period of 60 days in which celebrants can renew their registration by paying the registration charge plus a late fee. During this period, the celebrants registration remains active.

After October 31, the celebrant’s registration status changes to inactive. In the two years following this, the celebrant can apply to reactive their registration. They must complete a ‘re-activation’ application and show proof that they have caught up with continuing education requirements and legislative knowledge. An application fee applies, as well as the renewal charge.

After 2 years, if the celebrant has not reactivated their registration, the status is deactivated. If a former marriage celebrant wishes to be authorised to solemnise marriages under Australian law, they can reapply through the normal process. And, they may qualify for recognised prior learning which accounts for the skills, knowledge, and experience that the celebrant possesses.

Here’s how to take action

Contact the Attorney-General and Minister for Industrial Relations – The Hon Christian Porter MP for a review and legislative change of Section 39B of the Marriage Act 1961. If you like the proposal above, include it as a discussion point, or send your ideas. And, ask others to contact Christian Porter to request a change.

If you are not a member of a Celebrant Association, consider researching and joining one. There are Associations with fabulous celebrants as members who have a wealth of knowledge and experience about the ‘essence’ of the celebrant program. Enter the adventure, learn, ask questions and get involved.

Let us create possibilities that support and encourage each other as celebrants to improve and grow. That way, we can be the best, and give the public the best.

Everything you need to know about a Civil Marriage Celebrant

What is a Civil Marriage Celebrant?
A Civil Marriage Celebrant is a person who is registered by the Australian Attorneys Department Government to authorise legal marriages according to the Marriage Act 1961. Registered Marriage Celebrants are regulated by the Attorney General’s Department.

What is the process to become a Civil Marriage Celebrant?
Persons must successfully complete a Certificate IV Celebrancy, submit an application for registration to the Attorney General’s department, successfully answer a series of legal questions about marriage law and process, and be deemed a “fit and proper” person by the Registrar of Marriage Celebrants to qualify for registration as a Marriage Celebrant.

To maintain registration, a Civil Marriage Celebrant must pay an annual registration fee, complete 1.5 hours of Professional Development per year, use specific forms and stationery to carry out their duties and comply with the Code of Practice for Marriage Celebrants.

What do Marriage Celebrants do?
Marriage Celebrants are authorised to formalise marriages according to the law in Australia under the Marriage Act 1961. Marriage Celebrants ensure all legal marriage documentation is prepared correctly. They also provide information and guidance to the couple pertaining to the marriage ceremony. They also create and deliver marriage ceremonies according the couple’s needs and expectations.

What are the advantages of choosing a Civil Marriage Celebrant?
In contrast to religious or registry office authorities, a Civil Marriage Celebrant has greater flexibility when it comes to providing couples with choice regarding their ceremony content and location. A Civil Marriage Celebrant can provide couples the opportunity to express their love, relationship and commitment in a ceremony that is uniquely their own.

Are Civil Marriage Celebrants all the same?
Civil Marriage Celebrants have varying degrees of dedication, skill experience and practice. There are over 9,000 Commonwealth registered Marriage celebrants in Australia. A great wedding celebrant invests considerable time and skill to a marriage ceremony. They are motivated by a genuine passion for the art of ceremony creation and presentation.

 

Married At First Sight Ceremony

The day I sat down to write Aleni and Simon’s ceremony script for Married At First Sight is the day that it hit me – how am I going to write a ceremony having never met the couple?

Before I got started, I had a good, long think about Simon and Aleni. I figured the pair were pretty gutsy. After all, appearing on national television in a social experiment to find love was somewhat brave. Their mission to find love was serious.

With this in mind, they deserved the best ceremony possible to support their quest.  Here it is…

Hi everyone and welcome! I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Angela Finn, and I am a civil marriage celebrant.

I am SO excited to be with you as we participate in a very special commitment between two people who seek to find happiness and love.

I imagine that everyone is feeling nervous, and that’s completely expected. Let’s be honest – besides our bride and groom – we are ALL taking a leap of faith today.

As Aleni and Simon’s celebrant, this ceremony is to affirm their intention and to support and wish them every happiness.

So, I invite everyone to take a few deep breaths, let go of any doubts, fears and expectations, and let’s enjoy this wonderful experience……

Could I invite those seated to stand as we welcome the gorgeous bride, Aleni escorted by her father.

Please be seated.

Well how good is this? Let’s give Aleni and Simon a big round of applause to show our love and support to them on this special day.

Today’s ceremony is not a legal marriage between Aleni and Simon but a commitment ceremony.

Today, this beautiful couple will be joined by their hopes, dreams and by their promises of what will be.

The vows they make this day, shall guide them into their future.

While many of us are meeting for the first time, we are united in a common purpose to support and wish Simon and Aleni every happiness, as they embark on this unique experience.

Being a part of Married At First Sight, is basically a modern-day way of meeting people.

After all, finding the right partner or spouse is different today as it was say 50 years ago, when life was a little simpler, and expectations differed.

Today, we are more discerning, and life is complex, with a whole new set of demands and expectations.

But, if there is one thing I have learnt as a Celebrant it is this – love can happen quite unexpectedly, and there is no recipe or measure for a perfect relationship or marriage.

After all, what makes a marriage thrive and survive is different for everyone.

Simon and Aleni, you have come here today with your individual personalities and histories to embark on a quest to find the love of your life.

In a few moments, you will make a commitment to each other, in the hope, that you will find someone that you can be truly happy with to share your life.

It’s a massive leap of faith.  You are ready to risk who you are, for the sake of who you can be.

But, in the wise words of poet William Arthur Ward:
“…risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life
is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, is nothing”

So, congratulations Simon and Aleni for taking a risk.

In the coming days and weeks, you will experience wonderful moments together, and I suspect a few challenges too.

As you discover each other’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, enjoy the experience, and be open to learn, to change and to adapt.

Remember to look upon each other’s strengths with joy, accept each other’s imperfections with understanding, and above all, have fun, laugh and enjoy the journey!

Simon and Aleni will now state their intentions

Aleni, do you come here today freely and of your own accord to commit to Simon in this union? Do you promise to focus on the positive as you learn and grow as individuals and as a couple?
Aleni: I do

Simon, do you come here today freely and of your own accord to commit to Aleni in this union? Do you promise to focus on the positive as you learn and grow as individuals and as a couple?
Simon: I do

Family and friends, now that Simon and Aleni have stated their intentions to each other, I have something special to ask you to declare, and in reply I’d like you to shout an almighty, WE DO!

Do you give your support to Aleni and Simon in their quest for love and happiness?
All:  We do!

Wow! There is a whole lot of love in this room. This is great, because now we come to one of the most beautiful parts of the ceremony, the vows. I invite Simon to share his promises to Aleni.

Simon: To my new bride. I have come here today with an open and happy heart, an open mind, and a positive attitude for sharing my life with you. [The rest is private]

Aleni: Standing here today, takes courage, strength, faith…and a pinch of crazy. I do not know what the next days, weeks or years hold for us, but I want you to know that I have our best interest at heart. [The rest is private]

Aleni and Simon, there is no greater happiness than that of sharing life with all its joys, and its cares, as a loving couple. I invite you to exchange and receive rings as a visible sign of your commitment to each other.

Aleni, please place the ring on Simon’s third finger of his left hand, and repeat after me: Simon, I give you this ring as a symbol of my commitment to you.

Simon, please place the ring on Aleni’s third finger of her left hand, and repeat after me: Aleni, I give you this ring as a symbol of my commitment to you.

Family and friends, this beautiful couple have declared their commitment to each other through the exchange of vows and the giving of rings, so everyone, get ready to make some noise as we congratulate Aleni and Simon.

May you always remember the excitement and happiness you feel today.

 

Write a personal wedding vow

Wedding ceremonies where the couple says a personal vow in addition to their legal vow adds to the meaning of their commitment.

Personal wedding vows usually include individual person-specific references (eg. I promise to support your football team and go to their games with you).

If couples are not confident writing their own personal vows, I provide examples to use, amend or edit as they see fit.

Like this one…Name, I promise to speak to you and about you with kindness, respect and compassion. I cannot promise that I won’t annoy or frustrate you, or to never be moody. I might not always agree with you, but I will always consider your opinion with an open heart and mind. I promise to love you, support you, and to stand with you and not run when the going gets tough. This is my vow to you.

Or this one…Name, from the moment I first saw you, I knew you were the one with whom I wanted to share my life. You inspire me to be the best person I can be. I promise to love, respect and care for you. I vow to love you as you are, and not as I want you to be. I promise to grow old by your side as your lover and best friend.  This is my vow to you today and always.

Some couples write their personal vows and share them with each other in advance so they both know that their vows are similar in length and tone. Sharing vows before the wedding also enables the couple to “take in” the meaning of the vows, without any distractions or nerves that may arise on the wedding day.

Some couples keep their vows secret and share them for the first time at their wedding. If couples choose to do this, I ask them to decide on a similar word count. Nothing worse than if one person writes two lines and the other twenty!

Some couples say their vows line by line in an alternate fashion.

For example… Groom:I promise to always love you and take care of you
Bride:I promise to never stop working to make us even stronger
Groom:I promise to honour the commitments we make today, whether I am far from home or wrapped in your arms.
Bride:I promise that from this day forward you’ll never walk alone
Groom:I promise to give you my undivided attention, as long as there is no football on TV.
Bride:I promise to never keep score, even when I am totally winning
Groom:I promise to believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself
Bride:I cannot promise that I will always deserve you, but I promise I will try my very best.
Groom:I promise to grow old along with you.
Bride:I promise you, me.

Want more ideas? Check out this great guide on writing vows from Wedshed